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One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

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We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

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The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

In this war � as in others � I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

Barab�si's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do � whether it is correct or not.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

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Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

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It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

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Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

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I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

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In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Why don't you write books people can read?

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

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I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

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Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

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Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

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All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

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Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

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TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

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Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

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When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

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For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

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Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

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To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

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Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

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The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

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I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

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War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

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I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

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I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

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The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

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Right now, that's not actually a complication.

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He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

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Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

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I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

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A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

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An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

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Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

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Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

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In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

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The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

Hi, I think you should laugh once a day, because a day without sunshine is like... night. -- Steve Martin

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If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

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Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

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If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

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I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

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It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

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Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Hey, I don't add to the complication.

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I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

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Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

Hopefully, you will try new things when it's in the same class as.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

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If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

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When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

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I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Let me give you access to all past questions.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

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I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

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I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

I totally agree! I think something else designboom needs to "call out" is other blogs simply posting press releases, instead of actually writing content.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

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It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

I liked it. So much useful material. I read with great interest. If you would notice, the liquid laundry detergent bottles have different kinds of caps now, to better help you see the new levels you need to fill them to.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

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There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

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I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

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Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

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All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

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Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

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Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

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Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

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We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

I am not young enough to know everything.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

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It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

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I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

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Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

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I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

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If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

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The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

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I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

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Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Just key in some details and press calculate!

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I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

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If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

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There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

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As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

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Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

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Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

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It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

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The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

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They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

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The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

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And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

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The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

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Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

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A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

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I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

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Men have become the tools of their tools.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

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What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

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Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

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Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

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If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

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The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

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Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

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Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

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O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

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My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

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It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

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Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

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If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

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Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

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Black holes are where God divided by zero.

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The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

I am not young enough to know everything.

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Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

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There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

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Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

It is difficult to spout something that provides so much insights in respect to.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

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I am not young enough to know everything.

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He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

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Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

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Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

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The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

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The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

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Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

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